Sunny Martinez
Spring 2022
Hildet Fernandes Clayton was born on October 14, 1962 in Brazil. She lived in Brazil for 29 years before coming to the United States of America and this is her story. Hildet comes from a large family with a total of 12 siblings. Her mother died young at the age of 43 and her father remarried soon after to avoid the stress of having to raise all the kids alone. The passing of her mother and the remarriage was very difficult for her. Her family was Catholic and very traditional and strict, something Hildet never agreed with. She liked to question everything and wanted to make her own path and because of that she did not feel a connection to Catholicism. Soon after graduating highschool Hildet moved to the city where she stayed for about 10 years before making the move to America. She left Brazil because the wages she was earning were not enough to support herself. She could only afford the basics like rent and food. She was inspired by her eldest brother’s wife. They had made a life in America and came to visit one day and she motivated Hildet to make the move. She knew she would probably have a better chance in the US to get a job, make a living, and find a purpose. She said to herself “This is my time. I have no kids, no husband, no boyfriend and I am mature enough. And even though I love my family I have to go.” She thought she could go for a year or two, and learn the language. She’d come back and apply for a job and then be back in her country with her family.
“She knew she would probably have a better chance in the US to get a job, make a living, and find a purpose. She said to herself “This is my time.””
Coming to the USA
Since Hildet already had family in the US she was able to get a travel VISA to visit Florida. She came under the guise that she would be staying for a while to visit Disneyworld but the real plan was to get a job, work, make some money, and go back to Brazil. She arranged with her brother to stay temporarily until she could get a job or a place to live. She lived with him for 30 days before moving to Boston to work with a friend of his cleaning houses. She left her brothers and took a flight to Boston with no ability to speak English and nothing but an address on a piece of paper. When she got to the airport the woman who was supposed to pick her up and drive her to her new home was not there so Hildet got a cab and went to the address.
She drove down CommonWealth Avenue looking at all the old buildings one after another. She thought to herself “I’m going to believe that I’m going to get to my destination, that I am going to make it, and I’m going to be okay.” When she got there, the person she was supposed to meet was not there so she just sat at the entry of the place and waited for her.
Life in the USA
Hildet imagined life in the US would be easier. She pictured she would find a job easily and learn the language really quickly and that money would no longer be a problem. She soon realized that things would be much harder. She only had three sentences that she was comfortable and confident speaking and if people did not reply as she planned it was very scary. She would try to walk away as fast as she could so she didn’t have to say she didn’t understand. She really struggled to make her way in a new environment and she hated having to rely on other people to get around. She found herself very homesick. She thought it would be easy for her to make friends. She tried to find a Brazilian community but the Brazilian community that was close to her was a Presbyterian church. It was not something Hildet agreed with. She ended up going once to see how things were but she could not connect so she embraced her job as a house cleaner. She focused on making money and signed up for English classes so she could learn the language in order to return home. Saudade. It’s a Brazilian word for when you miss someone so much it’s like a physical heart pain. That’s how Hildet describes it.
Feeling Unwanted
Hildet met Paul while she was cleaning his office one night while he was working late. They started dating and Hildet felt shame around her status as being undocumented “I felt somehow diminished because I felt I was really an immigrant and I was legal. I wasn’t supposed to be here. And based on my ideas, and what I heard from the Brazilians here, that’s how I carried myself. Even out with Paul I felt bad because I was an illegal girlfriend, I was an immigrant”.
The first time she met Paul’s parents she felt they were judging her. She imagined what they might be thinking. She was a total stranger, an immigrant. They didn’t know anything about her. They didn’t know who she was or what she was back in Brazil. She wondered if they knew she only had good intentions. Hildet kept her chin up. She kept telling herself she did nothing wrong. She did everything right because she didn’t want to be put down; she didn’t want to feel “illegal”. She thought “this country is made of immigrants so to think that immigrants are bad is extremely wrong”. Hildet and Paul got married and two and a half years after arriving in the US she became a citizen.
She got her green card and made plans to go to Brazil to see her family after three and a half years. It was the first time her family was going to meet Paul. She spent time reconnecting with her family but felt torn. She had made the decision to have her family in the US. She was now an American but she also identified strongly with being Brazilian.
Building a Home
Now Hildet finally feels at home. Her family is here, the ones she loves are here. She learned to embrace what she has with her husband and the family she started, and the things she’s learned. She had her first child, Emma, 20 years ago and that’s her family now. She teaches Emma that they respect people. That there is no financial status, education status that should make you look at a person differently. And if you can help, you help if not, you’re not going to be in the way.
Her Brazilian family can visit more often now. It’s gratifying for her to be able to receive her Brazilian family here and tell them that she has a good life. She says “I am one of the lucky ones. I feel at home”. She is grateful but sometimes she feels guilt that she gets to stay but others do not. She’s learned to say “you know what this is given to me. I’m here not only because this came my way, but because I deserve it. Everybody deserves what I’m getting today”.
“I’m here not only because this came my way, but because I deserve it. Everybody deserves what I’m getting today”.